Fear of Man and Love of Man Cannot Co-Exist in One's Heart
This post was originally published on December 26, 2023 on another platform.
Before Mass started on the morning of December 10th, 2023, I pondered what I could do to serve others on Christmas since my family is several states away and I would be alone. In past years when I've been alone on Thanksgiving and Christmas, I would sit home and let myself sink into depression; I would feel sorry for myself. By God's grace, He has shown me that He wants better for me and that such a selfish attitude hurts not only myself but others who could otherwise benefit from a more service-oriented heart. So, I approached Christmas with joy due to God's faithful transforming work in me to give me a desire to visit with and spread love and joy to others who will be alone - the elderly without family in the memory care unit of a local assisted living center. But there was a part of me so accustomed to self-protective isolation and selfishness that I felt reluctant or incapable of stepping outside my comfort zone. That is what I pondered before Mass on the morning of December 10th when the title of this blog post came to me: Fear of man and love of man cannot co-exist in one's heart.
Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places
"Fear of Man" is a phrase I was introduced to when I first returned to the Christian faith through a book recommended to me by a pastor at the Baptist church where I attended at the time: When People are Big and God is Small: Overcoming Peer Pressure, Codependency, and the Fear of Man, by Edward Welch. The Fear of Man is the selfish displacement of priorities that seeks from others what you feel you deserve or need - love, approval, acceptance - and the fear that others will withhold those things from you, thereby damaging your self-confidence and sense of self-worth. It unfairly puts the onus on others to fill what Dr. Welch calls our "leaking love cup" - leaking because we were built for God's love and thus the love from people alone, even family, will never truly satisfy us, the cup never fills.
Our worth comes from being God's beloved children, made in His likeness, and has absolutely nothing to do with being loved - or not - by the people in our lives or the attention - or not - that they pay us. All the love and acceptance and approval we desire? We find total fulfillment of all those things in the love of Christ when we open ourselves to receive it. God fills a "love cup" in us that is solid, holding His love for us that never diminishes but overflows.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Indeed, goodness and mercy will pursue me
all the days of my life;
I will dwell in the house of the Lord
for endless days.
- Psalm 23:5-6 (NABRE)
I started to understand this when I read Dr. Welch's book, but its truth really started to sink in through the process of converting to Catholicism and after my conversion as I continue to learn to surrender to and trust Christ in all things.
As I was discerning whether to convert to Catholicism, I went through a few days of panic at the thought of losing all my Baptist friends, which I was sure would happen, and ultimately did happen except for a handful. For those three days, out of that panic, I decided that I could not go through with it. I cancelled my confirmation and I actually tossed all the books on Catholic theology, apologetics, and history I had read or purchased but hadn't yet read into the compactor at my apartment community. I was that full of the fear of man. I was that forgetful of the promises of Christ. I told my friends who knew I was discerning conversion that I would stay a faithful Protestant, a faithful Southern Baptist, and all would be well.
Of course, this fear-based decision and irrational action was not in keeping with God's ultimate plan for me. A night or two after I decided to abandon any thought of conversion, I had a difficult night when I again felt the yawning chasm of nothingness, the hollowness I had felt inside for so many years before I returned to Christ. I lost my joy, was full of anxiety, and could not sleep, fearing that maybe God was angry at me for even considering Catholicism and so had abandoned me. I extended my arms up above me, straining my hands toward the ceiling as a young child might reach for her Father, saying through tears, "Please don't leave me."
Our Mother's Comfort
One of my major stumbling blocks initially as I discerned Catholicism was the role of the Blessed Virgin Mary. I understood what I read of the theological reasons for the Church's veneration of Mary and they made sense to me, but I struggled to overcome a lifetime of Protestant misunderstanding to connect with her emotionally as my Mother, given to me and to all faithful by Jesus on the cross.
When Jesus saw his mother, and the disciple whom he loved standing near, he said to his mother, “Woman, behold, your son!” Then he said to the disciple, “Behold, your mother!” And from that hour the disciple took her to his own home.
- John 19: 26-27 (RSVCE)
But, in that moment when I was reaching for my Heavenly Father, to feel his presence, it returned to me in a wave of reassurance along with a strong sense of the presence of Mother Mary comforting me. Somehow, I knew she was there consoling me as she would a child, as the compassionate Mother she is. I felt in her presence such tender love and comfort and the sudden knowledge that, just like her Son, she would always be with me.
Our Heavenly Father is Always Present and Always Loving Us
Also, in that moment, I understood why I had felt such fear and anxiety and sadness, and why I had again felt emptiness instead of the presence of God: I had put my fear of man, my desire for the love and approval of others, above my Fear of God, my love of Him and my desire to please Him above all. I had refused His call for me to join in the fullness of faith established by Christ. I had said "no" to God. I was the one who had turned away.
But He had not turned away from me. I could not feel his presence not because He had left me, but because I had put up obstacles in the way, had become spiritually blind, by turning away myself. As soon as I turned back and reached out for Him, quite literally, those obstacles I had put up disappeared and I could again feel Him there as He always had been, lovingly waiting for me to turn back to Him.
Our Heavenly Father is always present and always loving us, and His Son is always there knocking, waiting for us to open the door - or to open it wider - to let Him fully into our lives and our hearts.
There are many iterations of the above image of Jesus symbolically knocking on the door to our hearts and what they all share is the absence of an outside door handle. We must choose to let Him in. And, until we do, He will remain there patiently and lovingly waiting for us to open the door and invite Him in to be the fulfillment of all our needs - including our need for love and acceptance and approval.
Think First of God and Neighbor, Love Them, and Leave the Rest to Christ
Overcoming the fear of man, the very human and all-too-common desire to gain people's love and approval to fill a perceived "need," is often an ongoing process; at least, it is for me. I felt it resurface when I thought about visiting the elderly who are alone in nursing homes on Christmas and how that might go: "Will they even want to see me? Why would they want to see me of all people, a stranger, and a quiet and shy one at that? What would we even talk about?"
Of course, those thoughts born out of a fear of man cannot co-exist with love for my neighbor because those thoughts are selfish and focused on how I might feel instead of focusing on those I would visit and on their needs. So, I must return to why the idea even occurred to me. Why would I want to visit strangers on Christmas Day, strangers who feel alone with no one to visit them on what should be a joyous time of year? Because I know how that feels. And, because I've let the love of God through the person of His Son into my heart, I opened that door - through His grace and the workings of the Holy Spirit and not through any strength of mine - and, as a result, God has planted in me a strong desire for His love to overflow through me onto those who most need it, my neighbors in need, those who are lonely or hurting, those who are struggling to feel God's all-sufficient love for them.
And, that - that should be my focus. All the rest, I leave to God with prayer for greater surrender to and trust in the promises of Christ.