The Grace to Forgive and the Healing Love of Christ
This post was originally published on November 19, 2023, and then updated and expanded on December 30, 2023, on another platform.
I've known since I was a child that the first foster family I had after my birth mother placed me for adoption was abusive. My parents told me what the social worker had disclosed to them during their meeting about the 6-month-old baby girl who was available to be adopted: I had cigarette burns on my body, I screamed and cried whenever anyone approached my crib, and I would need physical therapy because I could not move my left arm or leg, having been left lying in the same position so long that the muscles on my left side were severely weakened.
It didn't occur to me until just seven years ago that I had internalized those earliest experiences so that they shaped my perception of myself and of others. From my earliest memories I recall wanting to hide from people, being afraid of drawing attention, being afraid of asking for anything, being afraid.... Being afraid.
I used to describe myself as painfully or even pathologically shy, an introvert, reserved, socially anxious, even damaged or defective. I could not conceive of a world where people were not a threat to me somehow. Do you remember the lyrics to the Cheers theme song?
Sometimes you wanna go
Where everybody knows your name
And they're always glad you came
I remember thinking as a child that that scenario sounded dreadful: I didn't want anyone to know my name and I definitely could not imagine them being glad I came. I wanted to be invisible. I was a serious-minded, deep-thinking and feeling, perfectionistic, highly anxious and hypervigilant, bookish girl who panicked at the thought of having to call someone on the telephone or being called on in class, who crossed the street to avoid passing people on the sidewalk, who rarely knew what it was like to not be lonely, and who was deeply afraid of people - and who did not understand why. I had been adopted into a loving, supportive, and stable family. It made no sense, I thought, that I struggled so. And so after praying to God from early school age through high school to "fix" me and remove my paralyzing fear of others, but finding my prayers unanswered, I concluded in my late teens that I must be defective, irreparably broken. And, that's how I viewed myself until very recently.
In October 2023, the old familiar holiday-induced depression started to creep in as I knew that I would be separated from my family once again for Thanksgiving and Christmas. When feeling the most alone my mind often turned to the abuse I suffered as a baby and how it seemingly damaged me beyond repair; I felt alone no matter whether I was physically by myself or in crowds, even with friends, unable to truly establish the connection with people that I sought.
On a particularly bad day in late October, I went to confession and then Saturday vigil Mass, feeling deeply depressed to the point of despair for the first time in quite awhile and full of anger and bitterness toward the people who I believed caused my suffering. But, at that Mass, God flipped a switch in my mind and in my heart that resulted in a self-redefinition inspired by the words of Fr. Gary's powerful and personally timely homily: I was not defective; I was a beloved child of God. THAT was my identity.
This was the moment that started the Holy Spirit healing in me those long-festering wounds caused by my early childhood abuse, healing that would soon be dramatically accelerated. But, the key to finally starting to unlock the life God meant for me was in forgiving those who hurt me.
If you are angry, let it be without sin. The sun must not go down on your wrath; do not give the devil a chance to work on you. (Ephesians 4:26-27).
While I still carried anger and bitterness toward them in my heart, I would not heal.
I knew that, as Christians, we're called to forgive.
Then Peter approaching asked him, “Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often must I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus answered, “I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times." (Matthew 18:21-22).
God's healing touch was starting to change me but I still could not forgive them. So, I prayed; I asked the Lord to help me forgive, acknowledging that I did not have the ability but He could transform my heart. Often, when I prayed the Our Father while praying the Rosary or during Mass, at the "as we forgive those who trespass against us," I would add a silent, "Please, Lord, help me forgive them." I prayed most days at least once a day for the grace to forgive them.
One morning in mid-November, during the Our Father at Daily Mass, I added my silent petition to the Holy Spirit to help me forgive that first foster family. That time He immediately showered me with insight: It occurred to me that God allowed my experiences, not only of the abuse, but of the social difficulties I've experienced as a result, to give me a heart for the lonely and hurting and to give me a testimony about the healing love of Christ, to give me the opportunity to offer my suffering as a sacrifice to God united with Christ's, to learn how to let it go and to trust Him fully to take care of it, to take care of me, while I keep my focus on loving and serving Him and those around me.
Count it all joy, my brethren, when you meet various trials, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. (James 1:2-4).
What the people who hurt me did was horrible. God allowed it to happen to ultimately deepen my surrender to Him through this process of prayer and petition and trust. And, the people? What happened in their lives to lead them to a place where they could take their frustrations out on a baby? What sufferings did they hold onto so tightly, clamped down inside hardened hearts, presumably without faith in a loving God to set them free?
"I forgive them." As soon as the thought entered my mind, that morning on November 19th, 2023, at Daily Mass after all these realizations descended upon me, I felt a wave of energy course through me - I don't know how else to describe it - and a deep sense of peace and joy at the recognition that God, in His abundant love and mercy, had just blessed me with the understanding and insight that could lead me to forgive - an answered prayer that led to a further answered prayer and further healing.
Once God led me to a place of forgiveness and even compassion for those who hurt me, my depression lifted. Since then, my moments of loneliness, depression, and anxiety have been almost non-existent and when they do appear, they are mild and short-lived, quickly replaced by a reminder from the Holy Spirit to offer those moments to Christ and to offer myself to His care, to take my mind off myself and focus it on Him or on those around me.
After a lifetime with a baseline state of aching loneliness, depression, and anxiety born out of early childhood abuse by a pre-adoption foster family, for the first time in my life, I feel whole, unbroken, fully and completely cherished and loved - the kind of full and complete love that is not possible from people, but can only come from God. Through God's boundless compassion and love, I know that I am His beloved child who He is teaching to connect with others through my own love for them flowing through me from Christ in the workings of the Holy Spirit. He is teaching me to love people instead of fear them. He is answering my childhood prayer to fix in me what I had believed was unfixable. And, when I reflect on this, I want to shout to this broken world in which we live that God's merciful love is available to all who turn to Him in trust and surrender. I want to sing His praises in love and thanksgiving from the mountaintop!
I will praise you, Lord, with all my heart;
I will declare all your wondrous deeds.
I will delight and rejoice in you;
I will sing hymns to your name, Most High.
(Psalm 9:2-3)
My dear friend, if after almost 50 years of struggling on my own, God can answer my childhood pleading to be liberated from the chains that bound me to horribly distorted perceptions of myself and of others created in me by early childhood abuse, then just imagine what He can do in your life! Turn to Him in trust and surrender your cares to Him for He cares for you (1 Peter 5:7). True healing is possible - absolutely anything is possible - through the all-powerful love of Christ.
Litany of Trust
From the belief that I have to earn Your love … Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear that I am unlovable … Deliver me, Jesus.
From the false security that I have what it takes … Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear that trusting You will leave me more destitute … Deliver me, Jesus.
From all suspicion of Your words and promises … Deliver me, Jesus.
From the rebellion against childlike dependency on You … Deliver me, Jesus.
From refusals and reluctances in accepting Your will … Deliver me, Jesus.
From anxiety about the future … Deliver me, Jesus.
From resentment or excessive preoccupation with the past … Deliver me, Jesus.
From restless self-seeking in the present moment … Deliver me, Jesus.
From disbelief in Your love and presence … Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being asked to give more than I have … Deliver me, Jesus.
From the belief that my life has no meaning or worth … Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of what love demands … Deliver me, Jesus.
From discouragement … Deliver me, Jesus.
That You are continually holding me, sustaining me, loving me … Jesus, I trust in you.
That Your love goes deeper than my sins and failings, and transforms me …Jesus, I trust in you.
That not knowing what tomorrow brings is an invitation to lean on You … Jesus, I trust in you.
That You are with me in my suffering … Jesus, I trust in you.
That my suffering, united to Your own, will bear fruit in this life and the next …Jesus, I trust in you.
That You will not leave me orphan, that You are present in Your Church…Jesus, I trust in you.
That Your plan is better than anything else … Jesus, I trust in you.
That You always hear me, and in Your goodness always respond to me …Jesus, I trust in you.
That You give me the grace to accept forgiveness and to forgive others …Jesus, I trust in you.
That You give me all the strength I need for what is asked …Jesus, I trust in you.
That my life is a gift … Jesus, I trust in you.
That You will teach me to trust You … Jesus, I trust in you.
That You are my Lord and my God … Jesus, I trust in you.
That I am Your beloved one … Jesus, I trust in you.
Amen.
- Sr. Faustina Maria Pia, S.V.
May the healing love of Christ envelop you and keep you always.