A Faith Journey
From Lutheran to Agnostic to Southern Baptist to Home in the Catholic Church
This post was originally published on November 12, 2023 on another platform.
A Seed Planted
God was at work in my life even before I was born as He gave my biological mother, an unwed teenager in the mid-1970s, a love for me that gave her the strength to choose to place me for adoption rather than abort me or attempt to raise me on her own without resources or stability. I lived with two foster families before being adopted at 6 months by a wonderfully kind and loving couple with a son four years my senior whom they'd also adopted.
My new parents had me baptized in their Lutheran church in their small Southern Minnesota town right away once I was theirs. My brother, Paul, and I faithfully attended Sunday School and church services weekly with my parents who were both active in our congregation. Those early years instilled in me a love for liturgy (Lutherans being among the most liturgical of the Protestant denominations), an eternal association of the smell of coffee with church fellowship halls, the sense that I was among extended family, and the later-in-life recognition of how good and right it had felt to be there.
My earliest memory of feeling the presence of God was when I was about 8 after overhearing that my brother, who would have been 12, had looked directly at the sun during an eclipse. Paul was not in any real danger, of course, but I was quite young and did not understand. I thought it meant he would for sure go blind, so I earnestly and tearfully begged God to spare my brother's sight and I immediately felt a gentle comforting warmth envelop me.
A Restless Heart
During all those years, I measured my time between work, sleep, and methods of escape: Primarily excessive amounts of TV, gaming, and consumerism. But, nothing I did settled my restless heart that remained profoundly lonely, anxious, depressed, and yearning for something I could not define.
In my late teens, I started to drift away from the church and from God. Sadly, as many young people do, I became seduced by the false "wisdom" of the world and a society that was increasingly declaring belief in God to be unrealistic and foolhardy. Thus started almost 30 years of spiritual tepidity-turned-atheism, with a return to God when it suited me but then falling away again once I felt I no longer needed Him.
During all those years, I measured my time between work, sleep, and methods of escape: Primarily excessive amounts of TV, gaming, and consumerism. But, nothing I did settled my restless heart that remained profoundly lonely, anxious, depressed, and yearning for something I could not define.
One day in July of 2022, I found myself wondering why. I was sitting in the rental house I shared with Eric, my boyfriend of four-and-a-half years, and had just put away my laptop after 3 hours staring at the screen mindlessly playing games. Why was I "escaping" into things that ultimately only revealed how empty I felt? There had to be more to life than work, sleep, and trying to make time pass as quickly and as painlessly as possible through escapism. While becoming increasingly cognizant of my own emptiness and yearning for more in life, I also started to recognize how uncomfortable I was becoming with many of the values promulgated by a rapidly changing culture, values that felt more and more misaligned with the values my parents had instilled in me as a child. And as I started to think more about the values I was raised with, I started to remember how it felt going to church with my family as a kid, how right and honest and true. Without knowing why at the time, the hardness around my heart was beginning to soften. The Holy Spirit was awakening me from my worldly and increasingly atheistic stupor.
These thoughts and feelings made me want to seek out answers regarding questions of faith; long an atheist-leaning agnostic, I was tired of being on the fence. So, since Eric was an avowed atheist, I first asked him to recommend some books from writers who were Biblical skeptics so I could try to understand why they were so sure God did not exist. Were they on to something? Did they make logical sense? Were my experiences in church as a kid just due to the emotion-laden innocence of youth and a blind acceptance of childhood indoctrination?
I had read books by noted scientist and skeptic Carl Sagan and was familiar with the writings of Christopher Hitchens and Richard Dawkins, but I settled on a book by an author Eric recommended named Bart Ehrman. Ehrman at least seemed to be fair in his tone, avoiding the vitriol found in Hitchens and Dawkins. I could understand how he reached some of his conclusions, but they were far from actually being conclusive. So, I thought I should read something by Christian apologists to try to see if they could counter some of Ehrman's arguments.
The Beginnings of a Heart Transformed
The Holy Spirit used [the apologists’] words to grab onto my heart and graced me with clearer understanding and conviction with each point the authors made like puzzle pieces falling into place to reveal a picture that could lead to only one breathtaking realization: If the Bible really is true, then Jesus really is the Son of God who died on the cross for our sins and was resurrected in glory three days later. And, that changes everything.
After doing some research, I settled on a book called I Don't Have Enough Faith to be an Atheist, by Frank Turek and the late Norman Geisler but I quit reading with about 100 pages remaining. I didn't need to read more. I was so utterly convicted and convinced by their logical and philosophical arguments and their use of science and evidence-backed history, breaking down step by step why belief in God and, further, belief in His Word is not only reasonable but the only pathway to Truth.
For if the movement of the universe were irrational, and the world rolled on in random fashion, one would be justified in disbelieving what we say. But if the world is founded on reason, wisdom and science, and is filled with orderly beauty, then it must owe its origin and order to none other than the Word of God.
- St. Athanasius, Bishop and Doctor of the Church (297-373), Discourse Against the Pagans
Now, Drs. Geisler and Turek are persuasive writers but they alone did not convince me. The Holy Spirit used their words to grab onto my heart and graced me with clearer understanding and conviction with each point the authors made like puzzle pieces falling into place to reveal a picture that could lead to only one breathtaking realization: If the Bible really is true, then Jesus really is the Son of God who died on the cross for our sins and was resurrected in glory three days later. And, that changes everything.
Even so, while I wanted to know more, I was hesitant at first. I had fully embraced secularism and had learned to look at Christians with disdain. Was I really becoming one? What would people think? I started to visit local churches, telling a bewildered Eric it was just for the fellowship, which I'm sure he didn't believe. After visiting a few non-denominational megachurches that didn't feel right to me for various reasons, I ended up at a Southern Baptist church where I was warmly welcomed and that felt like "home." Within a month of attending services there, reading the Bible, and praying daily, I had lost my hesitation and had fully accepted that I needed to give my life to Christ and, out of love, live in obedience to His Word as much as possible. So, with the encouragement of a few new Baptist friends and, through the grace of God, a new prayerful reliance on Him unlike anything I'd experienced before, God gently walked with me through the difficult process of finding my own place to live and moving out of the house I shared with my boyfriend, ultimately ending that relationship. Every time I encountered an obstacle – whether logistical or emotional – God removed it or showed me a different path. And, I truly believe He guided me to where I ended up, a small but beautiful apartment overlooking a large pond where I’m visited daily by His creatures that I’ve come to love. Almost like a reward for my obedience, He’s also given me a new passion, wildlife photography, which is something that would not have developed as it had without my new home being where it is.
But, after becoming an active member and attending services weekly for 10 months at the Baptist church, I started to feel restless again after having experienced several times by then how Communion was treated since they believe the Body and Blood to be purely symbolic: Celebrated one Sunday a month and distributed in plastic containers with peel-off lids, which was much different from what I remembered of Communion as a Lutheran where we would queue to the altar, kneel, and solemnly receive. I also realized that I missed the reverence and tradition of liturgy.
The Fullness of Faith
I knew I was home; truly home, where God intended.
This wasn't “feel-good songs and a sermon.” This was worship.
This wasn't about me or about us as a congregation. This was about God, about Jesus and His sacrifice for us, about His continuing sacrifice in the Mass to atone for our sins and as the Bread of Life: His Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity in the Holy Eucharist, His everlasting gift to His faithful, His New Covenant Manna that sustains and nourishes us in our exile before His return.
There was no going back.
Wanting to experience liturgy, I started to attend Anglican Masses. And, as I like to joke, since Anglicanism is the gateway drug to Catholicism, I naturally became curious about Catholicism. I knew what I had been told as a child and by the Baptists: That Catholics believed in some pretty "out-there" things (per the Lutherans) and were lost in need of saving (per the Baptists), but I felt a pull to study Catholicism so I could learn for myself what it was all about and how it differed from the flavors of Protestantism most familiar to me. So, I read Scott Hahn's Rome Sweet Home and researched a lot of my Protestant theological stumbling blocks in a number of additional books and on Catholic Answers. The more I studied Catholicism, the more I felt that God was opening my eyes to the Truth - an experience of the veil being removed from my eyes just as it was when learning the truth about the existence of God; the Holy Spirit at work. The clincher for me was when I did a deep dive on transubstantiation; my mind was absolutely blown by the reality of Christ in the Blessed Sacrament. So, by that point, in April, I was really struggling. I knew too much to ignore it; one cannot learn how the Holy Eucharist is truly Jesus and not want to go back to Mass, and go back as often as possible. But, could I actually convert to Catholicism? I suspected it would mean the loss of most or even all my friends since all my friends were from my Baptist church which tended, in my experience, to insulate themselves from people they regarded as heretics and I knew that's what a lot of my friends thought of Catholics.
Regardless, I knew God was leading me to learn more. I had to pursue it. He had a grip on me and would not let go.
I visited a Catholic church for the first time ever when I walked through the doors of St. Peter the Apostle one Sunday morning in April, 2023. I sat down and took everything in, feeling a little unsure and hesitant in an unfamiliar place and with a first-time experience. With eyes like a child learning something new, I focused on the details. I watched how people crossed themselves with Holy Water as they entered the Sanctuary, how they bowed or genuflected before entering their row to sit or before the Crucifix as they passed from one side of the sanctuary to the other, how quiet it was before Mass started compared to the loud and boisterous fellowship of the Baptist church, as many folks sat in prayerful silence. Everywhere I looked, I saw people who recognized where they were and why they were there.
In my studies, I had learned from Dr. Edward Sri and Bishop Robert Barron about the meanings of the parts of the Mass and how Scripture-saturated Mass truly is and I felt such peace and joy as I listed to the Eucharistic prayers, how intentionally and reverently Father said and did everything. I watched how one by one, the parishioners walked up, bowed before the Blessed Sacrament, received it, crossed themselves and returned to their seat to pray.
I knew I was home; truly home, where God intended.
This wasn't “feel-good songs and a sermon.” This was worship.
This wasn't about me or about us as a congregation. This was about God, about Jesus and His sacrifice for us, about His continuing sacrifice in the Mass to atone for our sins and as the Bread of Life: His Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity in the Holy Eucharist, His everlasting gift to His faithful, His New Covenant Manna that sustains and nourishes us in our exile before His return.
There was no going back.
After Mass ended, I waited until Fr. Gary came back inside after greeting the parishioners as they departed, and we discussed my joining the Catholic Church. After vacillating a few times, including canceling my first confirmation date out of panic over the possibility of losing my Baptist friends, my only local social support at the time, I soon had no doubt God was calling me to join Christ's true church to participate in the fullness of faith. The Holy Spirit patiently taught me that, just as He had shepherded me and comforted me through the pain of leaving my boyfriend, He would shepherd and comfort me through the pain of losing any friends. So, I met with Fr. Gary again after the additional month of discernment and study he requested I take, and I was confirmed and received into the Catholic Church on June 18, 2023.
Remember that “restless heart” I wrote about having? St. Augustine was spot on: “Our hearts are restless until they rest in You.” The closeness I had begun to feel to God in the Baptist church grew significantly once I joined the Catholic Church. Christ fulfills my previously undefined longing and gives peace to my restless heart.
You move us to delight in praising You; for You have made us for Yourself, and our hearts are restless until they rest in You.
- St. Augustine of Hippo (354-430), Bishop and Doctor of the Church, The Confessions of St. Augustine, Book 1, Chapter 1
When I reflect on my faith journey from Lutheran to agnostic/atheist for almost 30 years, to Baptist, to finally Catholic, I rejoice in God's patience and love, culminating in His leading me home to His Church to become one with the body of Christ, the body of believers, and to enjoy the true depth, richness, and fullness of faith as He designed it for us.
Ongoing Conversion and My Prayer for This Blog
One thing I've learned since becoming Catholic is that conversion truly is an ongoing and ever-deepening process. The Holy Spirit reminds me often how much I need the loving, healing grace of Christ. Through His sanctifying Spirit, regular participation in the Sacraments, including the Sacrament of Reconciliation, and prayer, I trust in Him to refine me and steady my wobbly walk on His path of holiness, a path on which the journey lasts a lifetime.
But, I can tell you that, while I am yet so in need of God's grace and forgiveness and always will be, I have seen the fruits of my daily decision to give my life to Him because I am a much different person today than I was even a few months ago as He continues to teach me to trust Him with childlike abandon: Much more consistently full of peace and joy, with a more honest and Biblical view of who I am to God and how I am meant to keep my focus on my love for Him and on my love for and service to others, and when I experience a moment of loneliness or depression or anxiety, to unite it to the suffering of Christ and then let it go, trusting Him completely to heal me, as He continues to do.
The Spirit itself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs, heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if only we suffer with him so that we may also be glorified with him. I consider that the sufferings of this present time are as nothing compared with the glory to be revealed for us.
- Romans 8:16-18 (NABRE)
I pray that the Holy Spirit will use the writings on this blog, stories that reflect God's faithful love for us in a spirit of praise and thanksgiving, to draw close those who are lonely, hurting, or seeking like I once was into His loving embrace.
May God bless you.
It is Jesus that you seek when you dream of happiness; He is waiting for you when nothing else you find satisfies you; He is the beauty to which you are so attracted; it is He who provoked you with that thirst for fullness that will not let you settle for compromise; it is He who urges you to shed the masks of a false life; it is He who reads in your heart your most genuine choices, the choices that others try to stifle.
—St. John Paul II, 2005
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